Indescribable
by An Eccentric Caffeine Addict
Summary: Except that he was. He was being terribly, awfully, dreadfully selfish. Because Axel just was. He always had been. [Dark!Jerk!Axel, Genfic, Oneshot]


**Summary: **Except that he was. He was being terribly, awfully, dreadfully selfish. Because Axel just was. He always had been.

**Pairing:** N/A

**Warning:** A bit of language. Really dark...I'm not sure if it's angst though. Um...there are references to male sex but no actual sex.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the rights to Kingdom Hearts. Those belong to Square Enix and the Walt Disney Company. I'm just using Axel to convey some feelings.

**Author's Note: **Er, there's no slash in this or any references to any real relationships. (Fake ones yes. You'll understand what I mean by this later.) Axel's a jerk though, sooo, you may not want to read it if you don't want to see Axel all OOC and jerkish.

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**Indescribable**

He glanced up at the sun, shining brightly in the cloudless sky. Quickly diverting his gaze as the sun started to prick at his eyes, Axel sighed. It was heavy and filled with an emotion, an emotion that was churning up in Axel and Axel had no idea what it was. Except that it was there, and it was weighing down on him like the weight of the world.

His eyes scanned the empty seashore, small waves splashed on the sand but otherwise everything was quiet. Axel didn't understand why _no one_ was at the beach on such a day. On such a warm, splendid, shiny day. He was, and he certainly didn't feel warm or splendid and definitively not shiny. No, he was feeling more conflicted and confused and sad.

Yes. He was feeling sad, and he wasn't even sure why. It was one of those days. But was it really? Hadn't the sadness just been piling on these last few days? More like weeks. Yeah…today was the day the icing would be added to his cake of sadness.

Hopefully it was a cheesecake. At least then it would be yummy.

But he still didn't understand the sadness. Or the reason it was there. Something at the back of his head said it was what Demyx had said three weeks ago. On that night when he'd decided that staying up and pretending to be drunk with Demyx would have been a good idea.

He'd pretended because Demyx had been feeling awful; his latest relationship having ended. Axel wasn't very good at providing comfort so he just listened. Listened to every choking sob and every complaint and every whimper about why it had ended. Axel didn't know what to do beyond that. He had never known. He wasn't good with words or comforting people.

He was good with fire. And chemistry. Possibly even dancing but that was it. That about summed him up. If Demyx had needed any of those things, Axel would have helped. Gladly so.

But beyond those things Axel knew he was useless. He wasn't good at giving advice, especially not when someone was feeling down and needed to be cheered up. Demyx was good at that, that's why everyone went to Demyx but Demyx only had Axel so Axel listened. He held Demyx close and he listened. He told Demyx he agreed that his girlfriend had been mean, that Demyx had tried _so_ hard. But Axel usually never really agreed. He never agreed with anything.

It was a terrible flaw, so Axel hid it. He was good at hiding things. Really, _really_ good. Possibly even too good but Axel tried not to think that way. He liked to think that because he was so good at hiding things he wasn't being selfish by dumping his problems on someone.

Except that he was. He was being terribly, awfully, dreadfully selfish. Because Axel just was. He always had been.

So when Demyx stopped crying and let go of Axel, Axel smiled at his blond friend and gave him another bear, pretending to sip from his own. Demyx had started to giggle, after all Demyx usually couldn't drink more than three cans without getting drunk. Axel liked to get him drunk though. That's when Axel got to be truthful, the only time because Demyx never remembered anything. Ever.

"Axel you're so silly!" Demyx had laughed, face flushed red.

"Oh yeah?" Axel had replied, raising an eyebrow at his friend, this time taking an actual sip from his can of beer. It tasted acrid, and it burned as it washed down his throat but the warmth. Axel liked the warmth.

"Yeah," Demyx replied, slurping on another can. Axel would stop him after this one. If Demyx had any more he'd pass out and then Axel wouldn't be able to use him. He needed to use him; he was starting to feel conscientious again. Axel never liked that feeling. It always made him think twice about bringing a girl or boy home, to his bed. It always made him think twice before he stole a twenty out of Zexion's wallet even though Zexion knew. It always made him think twice about _everything_ so Axel had to use Demyx. To feel better. Normal.

"And why's that?" Axel asked, eyes fixed on something up in the sky. It almost looked like a star but stars never made their way through the clouds in Hollow Bastion. He was kidding himself.

"Because you're always putting up with me!" Demyx smiled, but the smile didn't reach his eyes. It ended right at his lips. "Sorry," he added the guilt on his face. Axel felt nothing. He never did.

"I don't mind," he said, and as far as Axel knew it was the truth. He didn't mind. He just didn't care what Demyx was saying. Only Axel mattered at times like these.

"You're such an awesome guy," Demyx had smiled, tears welling up in his eyes again as he buried his face into Axel's hest again. Axel wrapped an arm loosely around the blond's shoulders, softly brushing his hair. He didn't say anything.

The tears from Demyx's eyes soaked his chest and he hiccupped, hands clutching desperately at Axel's shirt from the back. Axel just kept his gaze on whatever it was in the black sky. "I'm, I'm so s-s-sorry," Demyx cried, shoulders shaking against Axel's arm.

"Mmhmm," Axel replied, fingers losing themselves in Demyx's hair. He always had such lovely hair. Axel was jealous sometimes. Of the softness and the silky smoothness. Axel's own spikes were harsh unless he used that expensive crap but Axel didn't bother to use to everyday. He didn't have the time.

The sobbing stopped after a while but Demyx didn't budge. Axel didn't care, fingers enjoying the softness of his hair. A small smile was on Axel's face. It was his turn now.

"I brought some guy home yesterday; he wasn't there in the morning. Could have said bye, eh?"

"Jerk," Demyx muttered into his shirt, hands still fisted in his shirt.

Axel smile grew at the word. He had been. Teasing him at the club like that and then refusing to go anywhere farther than third base. What had the kid been thinking? Axel could remember the wretched expression on the kid's face when Axel had entered him and the cry of pain. Axel had liked that the most.

"Yeah, bastard," Axel agreed, his free arm wrapping itself around Demyx's waist. Sometimes Axel wondered what it would be like to fuck Demyx but then he didn't. He would probably lose Demyx and he couldn't quite afford that. At least not yet. Maybe one day. Just like the who had teased him.

"Demyx, am I bad person" Axel asked, knowing the reply would be no. I just liked hearing it. Heating Demyx's beautiful voice say 'No' as if he wasn't a conniving bastard who got what he wanted _when _he wanted it. Oh, Demyx was so naïve, so innocent. Maybe Axel would fuck him one day. He liked the thought.

"'Course not. You're wonderful, always staying with me after my break ups. You're amazing," Demyx answered, his face looking up at Axel. Axel didn't bother looking down, he just smiled. The small nagging feeling from the day before vanishing immediately. Demyx was magic. And Axel couldn't lose his magic, not until Axel knew how to make his own magic.

But the next day, when he woke up to find Demyx lying in his arms, soft expression on his delicate face Axel felt something odd in his chest. It was somewhat painful. His brows furrowed, unable to think why he felt such an odd feeling. He pushed Demyx off of him, a hand running through his red spikes as he got up, still uncertain as to why he had felt guilty?…

It was the only thing Axel could place on the feeling…he was guilty, for some reason. Shrugging it off, Axel had walked into the bathroom and had taken a shower. Demyx had still been sleeping when he got out of the shower. Axel had sat down on another couch, placing a cigarette in his lips.

Why hadn't he left?

Wasn't it obvious? When Demyx woke up, he needed to know that Axel hadn't left him. Had to think that Axel would always be there for him because Axel still needed Demyx.

And wasn't it always about Axel? Yes, of course. What a stupid question to ask.

Flopping down on the sand at the beach, Axel felt his heart ache, the same way it had that morning. But this time Axel was more certain as to why. Well, he still wasn't sure why or how but he knew what it was. He was pretending not to know.

Sometimes all of his flaws would dawn on Axel. And at times like those, Axel would feel the ach in his heart and he would feel guilty. For all his sins but Axel also knew something else. The feeling always passed. _Always_. So he really just had to angst over them a bit, promise himself a few times that he would change and then everything would be okay again.

Oh Axel knew himself, better than what was probably healthy for himself. And the part that knew smirked as Axel sighed again. Thoughts running amuck. Every bad quality seemed to be attacking him. His selfishness, his lust, his eagerness to manipulate people, his greed, his absolute disregard for anyone else' feelings but his own, his carelessness, his vindictiveness, his desire to have people feel sorry for him so he would feel better, his jealousy of everyone especially Demyx, his fake exterior, his…his everything. He was awful. He always had been.

Because nothing other than Axel had ever mattered. Nor would it matter if Axel had anything to say about it.

Not because Axel didn't want to change sometimes but because Axel seemed to be programmed that way. He just didn't care. And he didn't think he ever would. Demyx was just like a teddy bear, and Axel hugged him when he wanted to feel better. When he wanted to get Demyx's sympathies.

And he wasn't the only one who was a toy. They all were. None of them mattered. No one ever would. He didn't _need_ anyone. He just needed himself. To be happy and fulfilled and disgusting.

Because that's just who Axel was.

The sand rolled through his fingers, hot against his skin due to the sun's heat. Axel didn't like sunny days. He liked to laugh and smile underneath them while flirting with some guy or girl but he didn't like them. They were so misleading. As if the weather was going to determine the happiness he would get in the day.

Axel didn't get happiness. He liked pretending to be the victim. Because the victim always got everyone's attention. He always attracted every eye and every heart and it was _such_ fun when he saw those eyes fill with sorrow. Oh he liked it so much.

He liked toying with people's hearts too. It was always fun to watch them break. Like glass. Everyone's heart was always easy to break like glass and that disgusted Axel. Wasn't anyone strong anymore? Wasn't there a challenge somewhere out there? Axel couldn't find it.

But it wasn't Axel's fault he was so mean. No. It was his parents. They had neglected him first, they had left him. Yes. They'd never really loved him so no one deserved Axel's love. _No one._

Did you fall for it?

Everyone always seemed to fall for it. Because Axel was so damn good at pretending and looking hurt and feeling 'pain.' He was an actor. A great, magnificent actor who could play any part any day.

But even brilliance came with a price. Axel ignored the price though, the lonely feeling in his heart and the guilt and the anger and the frustration.

They weren't part of his act. They'd just throw him off, make him forget his lines, make him forget to break the girl's heart. And Axel couldn't afford that. Axel liked getting away with not paying the price.

It made things more amusing. It always did and the nasty feelings inside him would always revel in someone else's pain.

Axel just loved to win.

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**Author's Note:** I think I wrote this because sometimes I feel like I'm just like this, hiding myself behind my smile when really I'm just a bitch. It's really disgusting. I don't know why I picked Axel though...making him sound all evil. Sorry guys. :/


End file.
